Saturday, June 18, 2011

Self-love vs. the nose tampon

I have a cold… in the SUMMER. It’s not fair. And it’s one of those really drippy colds, the kind that leaves your nose red and raw from wiping and blowing. The kind of cold that spurred the making of tissues with lotion in them.

There are not many things that will completely eliminate my vanity. Extremes in temperature will do it. Like when the thermometer starts to creep below 15°F, I bypass my cute hats and jauntily wrapped scarves for just as much stuff wrapped around my head and face as possible. Or when it is approaching 100 in both temperature and humidity, I will finally sometimes put my hair in a ponytail.

This cold is an anti-vanity cold. I mean, I already look completely gross. Remember that scene in Friends, where Monica is sick and trying to seduce Chandler, and says (through a stuffy nose), “Are you saying you don’t want to get with this?” Yeah, that’s me. Without the seduction.

Oh, one more thing that’s different from Monica. (Yes, only one. In all other ways we are exactly alike.) Monica is still rubbing at her drippy nose. I have stopped bothering, and am now sporting two lovely pieces of tissue rolled up and hanging out of my nose like nose tampons.

Nose tampons are awesome. It’s just easier! You don’t get that red crusty nose thing from too much wiping and blowing. And you don’t have to wash your hands every 5 minutes because you’re not constantly having to deal with your face goo. Sure, it’s kind of embarrassing, but if you can get past that, it is a fairly sanitary way to deal with a drippy nose.

But I need to go to the grocery store today. I mean, I have to go. And while the nose tampon is more sanitary and decreases the likelihood that I will leave tiny particles of my germ-filled snot on the grocery cart handle, I don’t think that even I can rock a nose tampon in public.

1 comment:

  1. Of all of the repulsive cold symptoms, I hate a runny nose the worst. The redness is bad, but playing the evil clown is only the start.

    The grossest part of the runny nose is after the redness fades. The peeling is much grosser than the burn. My nostrils peel as if I sun-screened my entire body but, in a mind-blowing, 15-hour marathon, tropical head-stand, I sunburned nostrils, philtrum, and nowhere else.

    People look at the flecks of skin dangling from my nose with that what's-wrong-with-you? look, or maybe even that ughhh-with-three-h's look.

    I thought I was the only one who used nose tampons. Well, I guess I knew deep down that others had independently thought of them and used them in secret, too. But I definitely thought I was the only one to CALL them nose tampons!

    I have even considered using them on the commuter train, but I didn't do it. I have given it some serious thought. If I ever were to do it, I would of course discretely hide them under a surgical mask. No one would suspect a thing!