Thursday, May 31, 2012

Dear random guys from my past

As an intro to the facebook link for my last blog post, I wrote the following:

Dear guy who broke up with me because you wanted a career in politics and you didn't think I would ever behave appropriately,

You were right.

Sincerely, Pam

P.S. Here is a blog about laser hair removal of my pubes.

Yes, that really happened.  I don't remember the guy's name.  We probably went on five dates, so maybe "broke up" is too strong a term.  We were never really together.  Just, you know, trying each other out.  I internet dated before internet dating was really a thing.  Unlike most people, I liked dating.  It was fun, getting to know someone, seeing whether there could be anything there.  Butterflies and possibilities and first kisses.  I like being in love more, but early dating... I was good with it.  I always thought it was kind of fun.  So I dated a lot.  Here are some short, snarky letters to some of those men.  I will not be writing letters to anyone I seriously dated.  If I ever said "I love you" to you and you're reading this, don't look for your letter.  It's not here.  If you want a letter from me, just ask.  It will be longer than these and more private.  If I ever said "I love you" to someone, I still love them, and I wouldn't exploit that for a jokey blog entry.  But the rest of these guys?  Yeah, I'll totally exploit those stories, because come on... dating is hilarious.

Dear guy who stopped seeing me because he said I was the Alan Alda character in a Woody Allen movie (i.e., cluelessly happy),

I was so offended when you said that, but now I see it as a compliment.

Dear guy who tried to buy my affection with expensive dates and kept sending expensive gifts even after we stopped seeing each other,

Thank you for introducing me to oysters and caviar and the films of David Cronenberg.  You were smart and funny and interesting, and the worst thing about you was the insecurity that made you throw money around.  I hope you found someone who loved you for you, not for your money.

Also, dude, it's kind of effed up to send a girl a massage gift certificate and then use it yourself when she won't agree to go out with you again, so that when she goes to get a massage so that it won't be wasted, she has to pay for it herself.

Dear guy who had some kind of colon disease,

You were obviously insecure about it, but it really didn't bother me at all.  But when you're at a girl's apartment and that stuff happens, you should really clean up after yourself.  Just sayin'.

Dear guy who told me he loved me on the second date,

Too soon, man.  Too soon.  Kinda creepy.

Dear guy with the intimate piercing,

You seemed to think I would find it hot, but I did NOT know what to do with that thing.

Dear guy who told me he wasn't into me for long-term but he was attracted to me and wanted to fool around,

I totally felt the same way about you, but you putting it out there like that just made it seem too slutty.  I appreciated your honesty, but really, you probably should have just kept your mouth shut.

Dear the dozens of guys with whom I went on one date and to whom I said "I just don't feel that spark,"

Sorry, man.  I just wasn't into you.  Like, at all.  I was counting the moments until I could gracefully end our date.  Nothing personal.

Dear chess master guy with the British accent who played the guitar,

I tried to make it work with you.  I really did.  The guitar, the accent, the wine snobbery, the fact that you could play three chess games simultaneously in your head with the passengers in your car while you were driving.  HOT!  I liked you a lot and enjoyed your company.  I never told you why, but the reason we didn't work out is that you reminded me too much of my dad.  Mannerisms, movement, smile... I tried to get past it because you had so much hotness potential, but I just couldn't.  It creeped me out.  Sorry.

Dear granola yoga guy who drove three hours to have fair trade coffee with me at a locally-owned coffee shop because even though we lived far apart, we clicked so well online,

You were so right on paper, but you were just too friggin' earnest for me. Too much Berkeley, not enough New York.  I cared about all of the same things that you did, but you still made me roll my eyes.  Sorry about all of the gas you wasted driving to that date.

So there you have it, an abbreviated version of my casual dating history.  Looking at this, I can't quite remember why I thought casual dating was fun.  But it was.  Please feel free to play along in the comments!  I would love to see some of your letters to those from your past whose names and faces are but a dim and humorous memory.


  1. Dear guy with a motorcycle who was a Romantic Lit major and wrote poetry,
    Thanks for that ride. Checked it off my list. Never forget that rush. But asking me to visit you in Vegas for the night when I drove cross country was too much pressure. I'm a good girl even though I really liked that motorcycle ride.

  2. Dear guy that was a huge snob and only wanted to work with "affluent Populations".
    I understand that you feel pretty confident, but you should take a look in the mirror (both internal and external)before you hold that high a standard. You need a six pack and 7 figure bank account to pull off that crap and get a trophy womean.

  3. Dear guy who cried into the phone when I couldn't go on a second date with you,

    Ew, just ew. We did not know each other long enough for you to CRY because I had other plans. Also, maybe you should look at your table manners before going on a date with someone. Watching you dribble chunks of cheese burger mixed with diet coke out of your mouth does not make me want to kiss you. Also, maybe you shouldn't have 'forgotten' your wallet. Oh, and one more - I only went out with you because you had a car and could drive me to the vegetarian collective in town, so taking me to Ruby Tuesdays instead was probably a mistake.

    (PS- thanks for letting me share, Pam! Having loved dating myself, I too have plenty of 'letters' to share, but I chose that one because it is one of my favorites! In fact, I believe I told it to my husband on our very first date.)

    1. Anytime! It's good to hear from someone else who enjoyed dating. Sometimes I feel like a freak, because it seems that most other people didn't/don't enjoy it at all.

  4. Dear girl who broke up with me because I was "too happy." What the fuck?