Friday, April 22, 2011

10 things I wish someone had told me when I was 20

I wouldn’t have listened. They won’t listen. But if I can keep one woman from getting a crooked dolphin tattoo or age spots, my job here will be done.

1) Wear sunscreen every day. Yeah, I know everyone has told you that already. Here’s what they didn’t tell you. Smear that crap down onto your chest, and then smear the excess onto the backs of your hands. Nobody wants old, spotty, wrinkly hands, but they get just as much sun as your face, and your lily white face will look funny hovering over a brown and spotty old chest.

2) You are beautiful. Stunning. No one cares about your pooch. Seriously, you calling that tiny convexity a pooch makes women my age want to smack you. Love that body, because it will never look better than this.

3) Get in shape now, because it’s a bitch to start when you’re in your 30’s once you actually need to. You can eat cheese fries and never exercise and still wear a bikini? Great. Start working out anyway. And put down the cheese fries. You’re just pissing me off with those things.

4) If you feel like you’re wasting your time, you are. You have no kids, no commitments, and probably a parental safety net. Do what you love. There’s plenty of time to be practical. Spend a few years dreaming and reaching.

5) You deserve a partner who feels lucky every day to be with you. Dating is about finding the right person for you. If someone doesn’t want you, they are not the right person for you. Period. Don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t love you like crazy. And don’t settle. The person you’re with deserves to have someone who loves them like crazy too.

6) Credit cards are evil. Don’t start. Seriously, if you’re not paying it off every month, cut them up.

7) Be wild. You’ll have plenty of time to be serious. When you’re driving kids to soccer, it will feel good to look back and know you didn’t miss a thing. But be safe. Don’t ruin the rest of your life in pursuit of a good time. Threesomes and wild parties, good. Herpes and a drug habit, bad.

8) Don’t get a tattoo unless you have thought about it for at least a year and never wavered in wanting it. Before you get it, imagine it on your fat, wrinkled, 75-year-old body. If you still want it, go ahead and ink up. Never pick a tattoo design off the wall of a tattoo shop.

9) If you have a good job and some mad money, blow a chunk of it on laser hair removal. You’re going to be shaving for a long, long time. You’ll get hairier, while also having less time and motivation to shave. Get rid of it now if you can afford to.

10) Your face really will freeze that way. Oh, you thought wrinkles were for old people? Well, if mid-thirties is old, then you’re right. Your face will reflect your temperament for many years, so smile a lot and stop squinting at your phone and make sure you only get the good wrinkles.

7 comments:

  1. I know this is an old post, but I'm just catching up now. So why shouldn't you get a tattoo off the shop wall?

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  2. I'm of the opinion that tattoos work best when they are personal and specific to you. If you love something on a tattoo shop wall, mull it over for a good long time, still love it, and get it, awesome. But I have always felt that those designs on the wall are like a multiple choice question for drunk people. A tattoo consult should be detailed and personal, not an inebriated 20-something blearily pointing to one of seven butterflies and saying, "That one."

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  3. pam - you are truly brilliant, humble, funny, and honest - all amazing characteristics. And, gorgeous inside and out in a bikini! keep writing, please -sara

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  4. Just started following you yesterday and I wish I was following you before you were all HOT in your bikini! So I could say, "Oh I knew that blogger before she put that body in the bikini"
    ps. laughing about the laser hair removal.

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  5. You're still in on the ground floor Kyla! Welcome!

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  6. I just read two of your posts and love them! I am in my 20s and I will take you advice for sure!I know I am blessed right now for being young and carefree but it is hard not to take life too seriously sometimes...I guess you always wonder how life will turn out when you have no idea...I always say I am entering a new chapter and it feels like every choice I make is the ONE and only one I can make...I need to lighten up, but I guess I am still trying to figure it out!

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  7. Brilliant and all so very true! :)

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