Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Where do we go from here?

It’s been all bikini all the time around here. So what’s next? This bikini stuff has been so wonderfully transforming for me that it’s hard to imagine going back to posts like the top 10 annoying things about the suburbs or whatever. I am starting to realize that for me, while my more traditional “mommy blog” posts are fun and will probably never disappear completely, what gets me excited is thinking about finding a way to be an actual person, while also being a mommy. I think it’s no accident that my most popular posts are about looking for ways to reclaim my Self after giving birth to the small people.

The mommy role is a powerful one. It’s time consuming and all-encompassing and heart-filling. It’s incredibly easy to let the role take over, to be nothing else. If you’re a stay-at-home mom with young children, there’s often no money for travel or concerts. No job outside the home to help with self-definition. No time for hobbies. I say all the time that being a mom is way easier when I don’t try to do anything else. It’s when I try to do volunteer work, or write my blog, or clean the house, or (worst of the worst) talk on the phone that the kids become challenging. They want my constant attention, and are willing to trade a time-out to get it.

To the moms who work from home, or audition for local theater productions, or train for triathlons, I bow down to you. Truly. I can’t imagine trying to do those things. I just want to prove to myself that I am still a human being in addition to being a mom. As small as that sounds, it’s no small thing.

I feel like I get cut so much slack for the fact that my kids are young. And that’s right. If all we can do is get by and take care of the kids and not go completely batshit crazy, we’re succeeding. But I need more. My kids are almost 4. During the pregnancy, I spent so much effort just trying to get 100g of protein into my mouth every day and dealing with the screaming demands of my overtaxed body that I had no space to be a person. I was an incubator. And then I had two infants, and became a dairy. With two toddlers, I was a padded wall. And then with two preschoolers, I became a mediator. I am ready to be me again. I just wish I remembered who that was.

Or maybe I don’t wish that. I have been out of the game for almost five years now. I can re-enter the world of the actual people as someone new. Like college, a reset button from what came before. Bur with better alcohol and less casual sex.

I don’t know what comes next. But wearing a bikini is no longer loaded, and I love my body more than I have in more than a decade. On to the next challenge. Probably career. In the meantime, maybe I’ll post some stuff about kids again for a while.


  1. It will happen, as soon as you put them on the bus to school. It's wonderfully freeing :)And then you'll realize they don't need you as much anymore, when they're off playing with friends down the street or sitting and reading alone. And you'll be sad, but you'll also realize that you can be you again, however you want to be. I was home and then part-time working until R was in Kindergarten. Then I was still part-time working but more often. Now I have a full time school year job and I don't worry about him at all. He'll be just fine, and we're both pretty happy.

  2. I am in the same boat - trying to figure out who I am again now that I have small people. The me I was before small people isn't quite right, but trying to figure out the new me- where do I find the time?