Here are some things you do not want to hear from your babysitter when you are at dinner with friends and your phone rings. Yes, I heard all of them last night.
- “Your child is the spawn of Satan.”
- “There is snot flying everywhere.”
- “I would never spank your child, but…”
- Any reference to Poltergeist, Exorcist, or any other horror film
- “Redrum” (yeah, I know this is covered by the previous item, but I feel that hearing “redrum” come from a babysitter’s mouth is a special case). For the record, this is not the first time the word “redrum,” complete with creepy redrum-voice, has been used in reference to my daughter’s over-tired sleep-fighting tantrums.
- The babysitter informing you that she has imposed an unprecedented punishment on your child.
- “It’ll be better next time. I’ll bring a baseball bat.”
- The sound of the babysitter’s teeth grinding
- “I think she lost her voice from screaming. I swear it’s not because I choked her.”
Of course, the demon spawn was sleeping by the time I got the check, re-corked the wine, and drove home. She looked like a perfect little angel.
*Disclaimer: This babysitter is a member of my family, and loves my child beyond words. She would never hit her, choke her, or use any sort of bludgeoning object on her. She was joking. Mostly.