Monday, October 15, 2012

An honest resume

Pam-a-rama ding dong



Job utilizing my creative energy, requiring absolutely zero follow-through.  Must have flexible hours, and a yoga-pants-friendly dress code.

Qualification summary

Overeducated, intelligent, creative type with savant-like knowledge of a completely useless array of domains.  I can make something from nothing.  But it might be crooked and/or unfinished.



  • Sole writer for a successful blog with tens of regular readers.  Especially skilled at creating an authentic voice using such devices as F-bombs, ludicrous overuse of sentence fragments, excessive ellipses, and idiosyncrasies borrowed from Joss Whedon characters.

  • Have several unfinished novels languishing about.

  • Craft a mean facebook status update. 

  • Zero-tolerance policy for poor grammar.

  • Can beat most people at Scrabble and Boggle.


  • Can seriously rock a corset, and have trained minions people in appropriate corset-lacing technique, because that shit is not as easy as you think.

  • Specialized expertise in the area of deviant sex slang describing disgusting acts that no one I know would ever do.  Go ahead, quiz me.

  • Used to belly dance, and have retained just enough muscle memory to look like I know what I’m doing for the 15 seconds it takes to impress someone.

  • Apparently have the voice of a phone sex operator.  Or so I have been told.  More than once.

  • My boobs have their own twitter account.  Yes, really.  They don’t talk much, but once in a while.

Making stuff

  • Ability to wing it/fake it at any art or craft, from painting to making a faux fur bike seat cozy. 

  • Can bake and cook my ass off (or on, perhaps I should say).
Pirate costuming. Corset.  Boobs.
Oh, and I made those curtains.

  • Extensive costuming abilities, with specialties in Mario characters, Renaissance Faire garb, pirate costuming, and anything involving a corset.  Specialize in modifying existing costume elements into a new costume.  And pushing up boobs.

  • Can make lampwork glass beads and jewelry.  Wait, that is an actual skill.

  • Speaking of actual skills, I am a decent decorator.  You should let me pick all of your paint colors.  I am always right.  And I can make curtains and stuff.  And I’m really good at shopping and buying all of the pretty objects.

Judging people

  • Statements made while watching So You Think You Can Dance often repeated nearly verbatim by “qualified” judges.

  • Superior expertise in choosing glasses frames, as evidenced by having once had an ex-boyfriend ask me to accompany him glasses shopping, even though he was dating someone new.

  • Correctly chose last season's American Idol on week one.

  • Paragon of fitting-room clothes shopping companions.  Kind, but honest.


  • Extensive and somewhat snooty knowledge of single malt Scotch and bourbon.

  • Can totally drink you under the table.


  • Not the best mom in the universe, but hella good at loving those kids.

  • Giver of freakin’ awesome hugs.

  • Bow-chicka-wow-wow.


Dude, you guys?  I have a PhD in Psychology from Stanford.  Isn’t that weird?  I know… it freaks me out too.  Seems totally out of character.  I met the best people there though.

Work history

1991-2007         A bunch of jobs I was really good at and have absolutely no interest in doing now.

2007-present     Person who can count to three really well, even though I usually only count to two.