Pam-a-rama ding dong
Job utilizing my creative energy, requiring absolutely zero follow-through. Must have flexible hours, and a yoga-pants-friendly dress code.
Overeducated, intelligent, creative type with savant-like knowledge of a completely useless array of domains. I can make something from nothing. But it might be crooked and/or unfinished.
- Sole writer for a successful blog with tens of regular readers. Especially skilled at creating an authentic voice using such devices as F-bombs, ludicrous overuse of sentence fragments, excessive ellipses, and idiosyncrasies borrowed from Joss Whedon characters.
- Have several unfinished novels languishing about.
- Craft a mean facebook status update.
- Zero-tolerance policy for poor grammar.
- Can beat most people at Scrabble and Boggle.
seriously rock a corset, and have trained
minionspeople in appropriate corset-lacing technique, because that shit is not as easy as you think.
- Bikini model. Um, kinda.
- Specialized expertise in the area of deviant sex slang describing disgusting acts that no one I know would ever do. Go ahead, quiz me.
- Used to belly dance, and have retained just enough muscle memory to look like I know what I’m doing for the 15 seconds it takes to impress someone.
- Apparently have the voice of a phone sex operator. Or so I have been told. More than once.
- My boobs have their own twitter account. Yes, really. They don’t talk much, but once in a while.
- Ability to wing it/fake it at any art or craft, from painting to making a faux fur bike seat cozy.
- Can bake and cook my ass off (or on, perhaps I should say).
- Extensive costuming abilities, with specialties in Mario characters, Renaissance Faire garb, pirate costuming, and anything involving a corset. Specialize in modifying existing costume elements into a new costume. And pushing up boobs.
- Can make lampwork glass beads and jewelry. Wait, that is an actual skill.
- Speaking of actual skills, I am a decent decorator. You should let me pick all of your paint colors. I am always right. And I can make curtains and stuff. And I’m really good at shopping and buying all of the pretty objects.
- Statements made while watching So You Think You Can Dance often repeated nearly verbatim by “qualified” judges.
- Superior expertise in choosing glasses frames, as evidenced by having once had an ex-boyfriend ask me to accompany him glasses shopping, even though he was dating someone new.
- Correctly chose last season's American Idol on week one.
- Paragon of fitting-room clothes shopping companions. Kind, but honest.
- Extensive and somewhat snooty knowledge of single malt Scotch and bourbon.
- Can totally drink you under the table.
- Not the best mom in the universe, but hella good at loving those kids.
- Giver of freakin’ awesome hugs.
Dude, you guys? I have a PhD in Psychology from Stanford. Isn’t that weird? I know… it freaks me out too. Seems totally out of character. I met the best people there though.
1991-2007 A bunch of jobs I was really good at and have absolutely no interest in doing now.
2007-present Person who can count to three really well, even though I usually only count to two.